Soundtracks synopsis ‘Soundtracks’ is a situation comedy drama that focuses on a number of characters of a reputable fictional soundtrack consultancy company working in/against an industry that espouses mediocrity. As a business they are unbound by contractual or financial constraints and are therefore able to consult on projects from an unbiased and award winning view. For some of the characters (Meg, Nathan) frustrations are heavily intertwined in their working day; be it with dire projects or difficult agencies (directors, actors, record company execs); for others (Ryan especially) work is providing him with an opportunity so seldom afforded to him in social or previous professional capacities – to be creative and to delve into his love of music. The ‘humour’ in ‘Soundtracks’ derives mostly from various, often escalating but mostly every day, stimuli and the reactions to them; whilst almost always invariably poking fun at the mediocre and those that champion its rise. Music plays a heavy part in Soundtracks; being almost a central character in many respects; but this slowly becomes less of a feature as a realisation is met that music (especially well established songs) used to heighten emotions is ultimately an adulteration of acting and the story-telling art form; and is more often than not used as a merchandising tool. |
Sample SOUNDTRACKS EPISODE ONE GENESIS PREVIOUSLY ON SOUNDTRACKS. ERROR/FUZZY SCREEN fade in. Cameron (naked, sweaty upper body) has heart-attack and falls down. Fade out to ERROR/ FUZZY) SCREEN. Title sequence. Black screen. Prodigy – ‘The Narcotic Suite 3 Kilos’ is song ending. John is in his car, school kids pass by to show its morning. He is on a 3 way phone call. John Okay gentlemen, ‘end credits’; what do we think? Happy? Man 1 I like it, wonderful John Mr Dimbleby? Man2 Hmm, good, good. Yes, very pleased. John Excellent; effectively gents, that is that. Let’s get together for a few beers, yeah? How’s about…just about to go under a tun…(hangs up) John winds the window down and lights a cigar. He is at a traffic light, 2 very attractive women in their 20s check him out and smile as they walk past, ‘Wanted man’ by Johnny Cash starts to play. The car phone rings and lowers the volume of the song (it plays quietly in the background); his PA is on the phone Lisa – (John’s PA) Morning John John G’morning doll? What can I do for you? Lisa I’m sure there are many things…are you smoking? John No, not I doll, quit 2 years ago remember Lisa Sounds like you’re smoking John What can I do for you Lisa? Lisa Just calling to say your ex-wife… (Someone runs in front of John’s car) John Your mum! Lisa …called to remind you about tomorrow night John Lisa doll, my ex-wife… Lisa My mum John And her; she’ll be calling several times today, as she did yesterday. If she ever loses that phone she’ll be trying to talk into that big ol’ 2 foot dildo of hers Lisa John! That’s my mum! And I bought her that, there’s no confusing it with a phone – its bright green for starters John Your mum never answers the phone and usually it’s usually set to vibrate; I think she’s confused it a few times. Lisa Well I’m just calling to let you know she called John Thanks doll, ‘do me a favour. On my wall, copy of my divorce certificate; can you get a quote for how much it’ll cost to have that tattooed on my chest – I can rip my shirt open like superman. (He mimics the ripping of the shirt and it draws the attention of a lady in the car at the lights beside his. They smile at each other; he says ‘hmm hello’ she responds with a smile and mouths ‘hi’) Lisa Bye John ‘Wanted man’ continues to play in the car The car, a jaguar, passes a very expensive looking apartment block. A doorman stands outside, camera climbs up several floors and we enter Slash Dot’s flat; her bedroom, the walls are covered with sound insulating material; a wall of speakers is playing fast house music very loud. Slash Dot wakes up and sits up in bed. Camera scans around the massive flat, when it returns to Slash Dot she is up and dressed and puts some blue colour on some strands of her hair, she throws some glitter in the air and steps under it and twirls, she puts the music off and heads out of the door, putting on big wireless headphones and plays equally loud and fast techno. She goes down in a lift and collects her bike and rides to a shop. She steps in and steps out with some milk, a fizzy strawberry belt and a Japanese Manga Comic, gets back on her bike and rides back to her place, puts the music back on, feeds some fake (tamogotchi?) pets and pours the entire bottle of milk for the real pets and gets in bed and goes to sleep. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Int movie set – Read through Meg gets up from her chair and throws her script to the floor and is storming out of a movie studio set Meg For fuck sake! I’m out, fuck it! Director CUT! (bleeped) A man at the end of the table looks triumphant as a red light is lit up in front of him. Director cont. to man What are you doing? I said ‘CUT’ you idiot, not (bleep) Producer Meg? What’s up darling? Meg Don’t pull that shit with me; I said no fucking James fucking Blunt! (Blunt is bleeped) (Director shoots a look at the bleep man) Producer I think it works well. Meg Fuck off, I’m out! Producer It tested well… Meg It tested well amongst the fat-women-office-workers you left in a room with a box of wine and cake. Did you put an ad in the Daily Mail? Meg is now outside on a movie studio, she lights a cigarette, puts her handbag in her bike basket, which banged against the bike bell making it ding. She opens her bag and pulls out her iphone and plays about with it for a moment, putting headphones in Meg cont. (looks like she’s talking into microphone of ipod headset – she is riding around on her bike, no helmet, instead an off-white cowboy hat, smoking) Fucking idiots. James fucking Blunt... (Continues to rant – appears to be talking on the phone) Phone rings “Dad” appears on the screen Dad How much will it cost me to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you? Meg (Smiling, throws the cigarette away, happy) I’m alone so…it’ll only cost you the guilt of bursting my eardrums. Dad I can live with that; you don’t use them much do you? How are you? Happy birthday! Meg Thanks daddy, I’m ok; doing a read through, had an early start. Was just about to call you; I can’t make lunch today dad; working through. I’m sorry… there have been lots of interruptions Dad Good film? Who’s in it? Adam Sandler? Jim Carey? I know how much you like their work Meg No, this lot are equally shit. The film is…its quite good; it’s got a bit of potential. They’re all so fucking annoying though. What was I thinking? What was Herb smoking? Cut from Meg to Int Room. Director being placated by producer Director We're taking another break? Who does she think she is?! Producer She's the best. We need her Director We need her? For what? Producer Look, let's be honest, this story, it’s no good. Nor are the actors, especially the skinny pretty one. But you, her, a lot of luck and my money and we can make this a good movie, or at least get some award nominations. I think she can help us, I really do. Director Does she need to be ‘here’; isn't she post production, in a booth, nowhere near me Producer She's essential; essential; and it’s how she works. I think we can get rid of some other people though; that kid with the glasses, he's essential to the film sure, but he only says two things, does he need to be here all day? Give him a line, give his mum another line, give him a juice-box, and send him and his mum home. Director Yeah, than we can get rid of the fucking beeping guy Producer And the make-up artist, do we need a make-up artist for a read through? Director I need him here; it’s getting tight; he needs to be squeezed in Producer Ok, look when she comes back be nice and trust her, whatever she says goes. We’re very lucky to have her here. Cut to Ext. Meg ending call with dad Meg I better get back; we’re only about half-way through for the day, and way behind… I’ll see you at the restaurant; just us, no old pictures Dad No photos, singing very likely Meg You’ll have to pay to sing it Dad In the restaurant? Meg Royalties. Especially in restaurants. You can sing it tonight at home Dad You’re staying the night? Meg Of course, it’s my birthday! Dad Are you over your bed wetting? Meg (giggling) Mostly. I better go. Love you, bye daddy. (Hangs up) Meg has cycled to the entrance of the studio. She sighs and her smile disappears, her shoulders slump and she heads back in. Meg cont. Right fucko, that Oscar has been up your arse too long. Blunt doesn’t work here, aside from being shit; try one of these 4 songs…( Central Reservation – Beth Orton starts to play from her iphone) (When she says “Oscar’s been up your arse” a male make-up artist with a name tag ‘OSCAR’ looks around guiltily) Ext office John is stood outside the office door smoking the last of his cigar. Nathan walks to the door and punches in some numbers. John gives him a wink and puts his finger to his lips to say ‘don’t tell anyone I’m smoking.’ Nathan smiles and winks, walks in and moments later John puts his cigar out and puts it in the smoker’s bin. Int office Lisa Right, that’s eighty quid there Johnnie Boy! John looks up at Nathan who is walking to his office; Nathan puts his hands up to say ‘nothing to do with me’ John What for? Lisa You were standing smoking there right in front of the security camera! John (counting cash) This’ll mean I can’t get your mum anything Lisa That’ll mean your ex-wife won’t have anything to return to the shops. You owe me £70 for last week too: smoking in the toilets. John Ah com’om! That was health and safety. It stank in there, needed to mask the smell. Lisa Bollocks. And, anyway, I already got her present from you; it’s on your sofa. John Come on now doll, I appreciate the thought but this is a professional work-place. I can’t have half the contents of Ann Summers, Harmony or Taboo Heaven sprawled over my office. What if I have TV execs in here for a meeting? Lisa If it’s ITV and Channel 5 they’d probably think they’re props for a new show. ‘Sex toys from Hell’ John Did you get a car battery and cables too? She’ll need more power cap’ain! Lisa John! John She’s rampant! You should tell her 2 years on and I still have to go to the osteopath once a week because of her libido! Nathan steps out of his office and approaches John and Lisa, on his way out.
Nathan Have you seen the email from Rona? John She asking for a two’s up again? I’m getting tired of saying no Lisa Me too. Nathan More of an orgy – she’s told us all to fuck ourselves. Sent from Twaits. She’s quit and joined them. John Really? Gone back? Suppose it was only a matter of time. Lisa Back? What’s it say? John Didn’t you get it? Whilst Nathan is saying this we see Rona and a posh looking guy step out of a poncy bar holding a bottle of champagne and getting into a black Limo/chauffer driven car. As she gets in the guy grabs/squeezes her arse. (The limo driver undoes his flies and goes in the back as well?) Nathan It was only sent to consultants; Edited version is pretty much – she’s quit to go to Twaits for more money and to have meetings with cocktails in their box at Emirates instead of the organic falafel and spinach wraps here. And we can all go fuck ourselves. Most of it was spelled wrong. The camera then follows Ryan walking past Rona et al, down a high street; he passes a number of £1 shops, betting shops and fried chicken shops; passing a number of people and making comments about them in his head before being stopped by a Charity fundraiser. Charity Mugger Hello mate, can I have a quick word? Just a couple of minutes? Ryan …Did we go to school together? Charity Mugger No, no I don’t think so? Ryan Nah, you’re probably right; I mean for starters I didn’t even go to drama school. Charity Mugger Right, so the thing is mate… Ryan Did we ever play football together? Charity Mugger No… Ryan You just called me ‘mate’, twice, and I don’t think I recognise you Charity Mugger Bruv… Ryan Whoa there a second. My house is full of family photos and you aren’t in any of them. So ‘bruv’ is really stretching it. So let’s have a look at this. It’s a cloudy morning; you’ve got your clipboard, you’ve got your bright waterproof jacket on and golf umbrella; you’re wanting to talk to me about ‘the high street charity of the day’; so go ahead. Charity Mugger Right, the thing is… Ryan Except you don’t really want to talk to me about the charity, no you’ve factored in that I probably don’t have the time to actually talk for more than a minute or two; just enough time to share the topical and alarming facts you’ve remembered from your script this morning and then it’s “I’m cool, you’re cool; let’s save some cats or starving Africans” or you’re gonna try to guilt me to solicit money from me. Because you’re obviously an amazing caring guy; selflessly doing this for about £15 pounds an hour, right? Even though you’re standing 5 yards from homeless Craig and his change cup empty. Ryan walks past the charity mugger, gives homeless Craig a book, a sandwich and a thermos-flask from his bag and some change and Craig returns a flask and a book to Ryan giving him a thumbs up; then continues his journey down the road and into a dingy pub. He is followed into the pub immediately by an elderly man with an open duffle bag, wearing a parker jacket, red trousers and a Von Dutch hat. The pub has several children between the ages of 5 -13 running around the pub and one or two sleeping on the bench seats. Ryan tuts and walks to the bar, the old man walks table to table. Ryan Alright Bill, why are there so many kids here already? Bill (landlord) Alright Ry, INSET day I’m told. Old man in background …as worn by Katie Price Aka (he says aka – not a-k-a) Jordon … Ryan Made me think it was already 4 o’clock, Bill Bill I know. Ryan, tell the lads – no more ‘Living for the weekend.’ I can’t handle it. It’s depressing. And shit. Ryan I know Bill. I’ll do what I can, but I’m a man of limited influence. Bill I’ll take a bat to the jukebox if I have to hear it again. I’ll put on some of those CDs you gave me, they sound alright. Ryan Cheers, have they got drinks yet? Bill Yeah. “Lager, lager, lager, lager, lager, lager, lager.” Why don’t they just say ‘Seven lagers’? You don’t drink lager do you? Ryan I try not to, hate it. Sex is on fire – the Kings of Leon is playing/ending Ryan walks to the far corner of the pub, passes an elderly couple making out with each other with another elderly man/woman sat next to them being fondled – he/she winks at Ryan; their false teeth on the table; he judders and looks like he will throw up at the sight; he walks close to the men’s toilets. 6 guys are sat on a long table; there are a few notebooks, a laptop or 2 on the table and a few mobile phones, and some suits in drycleaner bags hanging near the window. There are 7 pints of lager, and a pint glass with £20 notes in (under it a white piece of paper with ‘LAGER’ written on it, and a shorter glass with pound coins in, paper underneath says ‘JUKEBO’ All RYAN!! RY-AN, RY-AN RYYYYY-ANNN! A guy sat to Ryan’s left goes to shake his hand as he sits down Ryan Lads, you don’t have to do that, or that; we see each other every day. As Ryan puts money into the glass they all say ‘whaaaaaay’, and when he puts coins into the other glass they all sing “Living for the weeeeeekend!” Ryan It’s Tuesday, leave it out Boss Simon! Si! Si! Si, go to the jukebox mate. Simon Alright, what we want? Around the table Usual lot; Mr Brightside, Living for the weekend… Boss That one by Nickleback – Rockstar All Yeah, quality! KAISER CHIEFS! Ryan rolls his eyes and looks to the pub landlord – who sighs, picks up a baseball bat and trudges off Stuart (South African, Rugby boy – has two polo shirts on and has both sets of collars up, as well as having sunglasses on his head, picks his nose) So, last night I spent a fortune right, I was on my 13th pint and had 4 or 5 Jaggerbombs and pulled this bird right…(looks at the bogey on his finger….puts it in his mouth) Ryan’s phone rings Ryan Hello… Herb Hello is that Ryan? Ryan Hello, hold on a sec, I can’t hear you… Ryan walks to the toilet where a youngish guy walks out rubbing his nose – to indicate he has been doing drugs Int Toilet Ryan Hello Ext Beach Herb Hi, is that Ryan? Int Toilet Ryan Hi, yes, it is. Are you calling about a quote? Ext Beach Herb No, you applied for a job as a Soundtrack Consultant… A position has become open; can you talk now? Int Toilet Ryan I’m at work at the moment…but yeah, yeah, I can talk. A skinny, shaven headed white guy (chav) walks into a cubicle…Ryan pulls a face and puts his hand to his nose to indicate it smells bad. And has to step out of the toilets near his colleagues Int pub Bill (panting, sweating) Sorry guys, something wrong with the jukebox. Ryan Yeah, very interested in the job; I actually thought I was too late for it, I saw it in a paper that was a few weeks old already when I applied… The guy that was in the toilet having a shit walks out past Ryan, he is sniffing and rubbing his nose to give the impression he’s been doing drugs. The noise in pub is loud so Ryan goes back into the toilet. Ext Beach Herb Oh man, did I reverse charges? How long have we been on the phone? Err, you’re hired. When can you start? Int pub Ryan What, wow, really? Thank you! I’ll have to speak to my manager and let you know if that’s ok; probably about two weeks, I wanna be fair to him… Ryan walks out of the toilet again and the six guys are all wearing ‘Von Butch’,’ Bon Dutch’ hats and there is one on the table where he was sat. Colleague 1 Here, your hat’s spelt wrong Boss checks his hat and stands up and shouts Oi! You mugging me off? Ryan I can start right away Herb Well ok man! That’s good news. I’ll tell them you’re coming. What’s your name? Ryan, right? Ryan Yeah… Ryan puts his phone in his pocket. Ryan to guys Right, keep my money, enjoy the drinks. I quit. Ryan walks out and puts headphones on ‘So long’ by Willy Mason …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Slash dot wakes up and sits upright. She mouths ‘oh fuck’ but the music is too loud for it for be heard, she looks at a calendar on the wall. When she gets on the phone the music automatically turns off (video call) Int Office. Laura in Japanese (on a video call) Hello…yes. Yes. Starting to arrive now. Yes. Ok, see you in half an hour. Bye Int Slash Dot’s flat Slash Dot looks at the mirror at the blue strand of hairs and then walks over to a wall of cupboards; first 2 filled with rave gear, and a few cosplay animal suits, she opens another 2 and stares into them and gets on the phone. Int office Laura (in Japanese again) Hello, ok, I will see you in two or three hours. Int office Nathan’s PA (to Nathan on phone) Gina Yashere just called for you about a sitcom or sketch show she’s doing… Ext Street Nathan Tell her I said no Int office Nathan’s Pa Tell her you’re too busy at the moment? Ext Street Nathan No, tell her I said no, and I don’t care what her Nigerian mother has to say about it Int office Nathan’s PA Ha! That’s what the show is called; ‘my Nigerian mother says’ Nathan meanders around some boxes being delivered and rollerblades/walks down the street past John and Lisa in their car in traffic and past Ryan who is walking the opposite direction. Ryan walks past elderly security guard and narrowly avoids being hit in the head by a delivery guy throwing stuff to his partner. He walks to reception Receptionist Delivery? Where d’you want me to sign? Ryan No, hi, my name’s Ryan…I’m starting today… Receptionist Really? OK, …hold on, take a seat. Ryan sits down and boxes quickly pile up near him until he’s quickly out of sight. Receptionist continues to sit there expressionless, filing her nails. Nathans’s PA comes up Nathan’s PA – to receptionist Hi babe, can you give these to Jim when he gets in, he’s expecting them. They’re not urgent but best to tell him they are Receptionist Sure honey. Nathan’s PA How’s things? Busy? Receptionist Always am! Phone rings –Laura answers Good morning… Ext Herb on a beach Herb Hey it’s me. A guy called Ryan is starting today. I can’t remember his surname. (We see a CV or form with his name on but a strip of the page that would’ve had his surname on is ripped out, and Herb is finishing rolling a joint.) He sounds Australian…can you show him around? Int reception Laura to reception Hi. Herb just called, a new guy will start today. Ryan… Ryan (from behind the boxes) That’s me; I’m Ryan Laura Are you Australian? Ryan No, I’m from Barking Laura Not from Earl’s Court? Ryan No…Barking Laura Ok..it’s probably you. Come with me. Can you bring a few of those? Ryan Who’s Meg? Laura She’s Major Project’s consultant. It’s her birthday today… Ryan She seems popular… Laura Yes. That is the kitchen; toilets are there, there, there, there and there; those three are non-smoking. Ryan Does that depend on what’s been eaten? Laura (igoring the comment) Meeting rooms are over there and there. Board room; we have big jenga in there now, be careful; mixing rooms and most of the music library are downstairs, Herb’s office, Meg’s, John – major projects TV, accounts on that side. Nathan – Urban films, Slash Dot – Specialist Features; and this is your office. PA’s are all here in the ring. Ryan This is my office? Laura Yes Ryan It’s massive. What is ‘Slash Dot’? Laura Slash Dot is my boss. Slash Dot is her nickname. Ryan What’s her…? Laura Her real name is Dash-Dot-Dash-Dot 440 (pronounced four-forty) BPM Laura’s phone rings (video call) Laura cont. (Japanese) Hello… Int Slash Dot’s flat Slash Dot Hi, have presents for Meg started to arrive yet? Int office Laura Yes, a lot. Int Slash Dot’s flat Slash Dot A lot a lot? Laura Yes Slash Dot Hmm, you will have to filter. Is she in? Int office Laura No Int Slash Dot’s flat Slash Dot Anyone else there? Int Office Laura Just Ryan. He’s new…(whispers) he smells a bit of pickled onions and bacon
Int Slash Dot’s flat Slash Dot Ok. I will come in to help. Byebye Int Office Laura There are two things; both not good. Cyber Dog hasn’t got your delivery in yet. And Herb asked if you could do Ryan’s induction. Int Slash Dot’s flat Slash Dot Aww man! That sucks! Do I have to? ...You know it would be cool if a light bulb appeared over my head just now. Has one? No? I just an idea; Herb made a video induction for Rona; just give him that. Int Office Laura (to Ryan) (Japanese)Do you speak Japanese? (English) Never mind, that was my boss. She’s coming in soon. I will set your induction up now; you can wait in your room. (She hands him some sterilising products) I think you will need these. Music plays as Ryan sets about sterilising his office. He gets on his phone and calls a friend Ryan Alright mate, just a quickie. How big is your cat? Really? End to end? Nice one. Cheers. He then looks in a few draws and pulls out a cable less than a metre long and starts to swing it around over his head. His phone rings Ryan (on phone) Yes mate, nice, yeah mate, yeah, yeah, yesh, yeah. Alright, bye His phone rings again. Mum Ryan Hi mum…no, I quit; got a new job… Here now…Mum, my office is massive! Enough room to swing a cat. I just tested…no, not animal testing…you’re putting make up on nan? That’s as bad if not worse than animal testing. No, not home for dinner, Ben just called. Few beers. Yeah. Alright, bye…bye. Laura beckons Ryan to follow him and they go into a small room with a large screen on the wall and blinds partially drawn. Laura lights a couple of incense sticks that are placed in holders near the door, and on the 3 other walls of the room. She then pours some petula oil into a dish and walks around; perfuming the room. Ryan looks confused this whole time; believing this to be part of his induction or initiation ceremony. Herb (stoned) appears on screen and the room (hut) he is in is as smoke filled as the room Ryan is in right now. Herb Hello and welcome to…(aside)I forgot what we’re called… Music plays (Lemon Jelly – All the Ducks?) Camera goes out to the PA’s area where Laura is opening gifts and putting them into piles and making notes, time elapses and the piles get bigger Ext road near office Slash Dot is riding into work, we see her POV – everyone she passes looks like a Muppets character – i.e. big, bright, fuzzy smiling puppets; she has hard-core rave music on; her helmet looks like a giant red ant head. She has a massive slushy in her basket and is slurping it through a straw. On the POV we see an energy bar on the bottom left corner that flashes red. And then flashing in front of her eyes the words ‘BRAIN FREEZE.’ She stops and gets off the bike; takes off her helmet and holds her head. She is dressed almost exactly as she was before, except her clothing is a slightly different (lighter/darker?) shade of colour. The blue strands of hair have been replaced by yellow-orange-red. When she takes off the helmet we hear traffic and usual London street noise inc. a pneumatic drill etc. she judders and cringes at the sounds and puts her helmet back on (headphones inside the helmet). She rides around to the rear of the building. Int office Ryan looks pale and is sweating in the room still and Laura is still working on gifts filtering. Sound of static fills the room which starts as a dull low noise but gets louder and then all the phones in the office start to ring. Laura is unfazed; Ryan steps out of the room to talk to Laura, turns around and sees Slash Dot wearing her ant helmet standing in the rear of the office and lets out a girly scream; which in turn makes Slash Dot scream. Laura removes her helmet and hands it to Slash Dot who throws it into a bin and pours the slushie on it (which stops the phones ringing), she then gives Slash Dot a length of fizzy strawberry lace, which makes her go cross-eyed and smile for a brief moment before snapping back out of it. Slash Dot (Japanese) This is a bad prototype. We have to fix it by Friday. Laura silently nods to Slash Dot; picks up the bin and walks out returning almost instantly with the bin empty. She then hands Slash Dot a number of typed pages of gift notes. Ryan Hi, I think there’s something wrong with this; it seems to be stuck. Ryan and Laura step into the room, the video on the screen appears to be paused; Herb’s eyes are 3/4s closed and is silent. Laura increases the volume to the max and slight breathing can be heard. Laura How long has it been like this? Ryan A few minutes, just stopped suddenly mid-sentence Laura He fell asleep And then a snore is heard. Ryan Right, he was just saying that after the video finishes I’m to watch a DVD, D-11? And make notes on it. Laura Yes; the DVD should be in the drawer next to you. Just make notes on what you think of the film, the music; if you think they work together, why, and what you’d change. Laura steps out and Ryan puts the DVD in. On screen appears a poorly produced DVD menu page – title of the film is ‘Granny’s Gone To Mecca…BINGO! It features the old woman from the pub who winks to the camera/viewer, and starts to strip around a lot of old people in a room; making Ryan look like he has puked in his mouth. Camera pans out to show Laura and Slash Dot filtering the presents (music playing). The door of the room Ryan is in opens sharply, his brow and shirt look soaked with sweat, and he seems short of breath. Porn moans are heard from the room. Ryan Toilet? Slash Dot and Laura point to 4 different toilets. Ryan runs to the closest one (one Laura pointed to). Slash Dot and Laura get up and go into the room to see what the noise is. They see the porn on screen and Slash Dot does a girly Japanese giggle, covering her mouth with her hands. Slash Dot John? Laura responds with a silent nod and stops the film and closes the door behind them. Slash Dot and Laura return to working through opening and cataloguing presents. Two men appear in bio hazard suits and then carry a large container out. Just as Ryan returns from the toilet Ryan I’m not sure if I’m stoned but did I just see two spacemen in here just now?! Laura Not spacemen. Bio Hazard. Sometimes Meg isn’t so nice to people. Ryan turns to see Slash Dot unwrap a large box and takes out a large robot figure. Robot (tinny robotic Japanese voice) Konichiwa DashDotDashDot 440 BPM, let’s dance! The figure goes through a number of split seconds of famous dance routines inc the Beyonce booty dance, and ending in John Travolta’s Night Fever move. Slash Dot puts a cd in it and she starts to frantically dance for a couple of seconds; when she stops the robot mirrors her dance. Slash Dot jumps up and down clapping her hands shouting ‘it works, it works! I love it!’ then takes it by the hand and says ‘Walk’ and they walk hand in hand to her office. Ryan Are you sure I’m not stoned? I’ve never been stoned but this is what I’ve always imagined would happen. Laura No. Are you ok? Ryan Yeah, I think. I’m not good with small spaces, or old people sex…is that what I’ll be doing? Laura No, well, no not really; it’s up to you to pick your projects; we think that was John messing around. Ryan He was in the film? Laura No, switched films so you’d watch that instead of the right film. You don’t have to continue with it. Ryan Thank f.., thank you. Need a hand with that? Laura No, its fine, almost done. Ryan Bloody hell! This says it’s a wood carving from one of the oldest living sequoias…it’s a naked male…he seems…happy Laura Who’s it from? Ryan Erm…here it is. Sting Laura Thought so; throw that one away. It’s not a birthday present – he sends them every couple of weeks to her – he wants more film roles. Slash Dot comes out of her room smiling and wheels herself on her chair to a box labelled ‘typewriter ribbon.’ She then opens a drawer and pulls out another fizzy lace, pauses and puts it back and replaces it with a Wham bar, some popping candy and a packet of sherbet. She empties the popping candy into the sherbet and uses the Wham bar as a dipping stick. She seems very happy now and is sat on a chair swinging her feet. She gets up and walks to her room; then returns realising she left the chair and wheels it back with her Meg walks into the office. She gives Laura a kiss on the cheek as a hello. Meg Thank you so much for doing this! Did I just see Slash Dot? What’s she doing in so early? Laura She had a few things to do; but it’s ok; she knows you have me today. Meg That’s fine, I don’t mind sharing; any news… ;( to Ryan) who are you? Laura He’s Ryan. He’s part of the news. (Laura picks up a box) And these just came for you from Amelia (surname? Movie star ‘friend’) Meg sighs as she opens the box to see a pair of strange shoes with a note that says ‘wear these tomorrow night. Xox’ Meg Any snakes or scorpions this year? Laura No, nothing bad Meg Have you got the application forms for my new PA? Meg and Laura walk into her room with a pile of forms; Ryan looks at some of the gifts with a bit of a look of awe on his face at seeing who they are sent from. When suddenly the silence is broken by Meg shouting ‘HERB!’ very loudly. Meg comes out of office and approaches Ryan. Meg Hi, I’m Meg. Have you been shown around? Your office ok? Ryan Hi, happy birthday. My office is amazing! Smells a bit funny; that said the last place I worked was shit and smelt like it. Meg Where did you work? Ryan Near the toilets in a pub. Think they were due to have their saw dust changed tomorrow. Meg You were a barman? Ryan No, I was a…it’s hard to say. We worked in a pub, it was a money saving thing; our only over-heads were rancid lager, nuts and a soul destroying jukebox. Meg Have you had your induction? Ryan Yeah, just a little while ago Meg From Slash Dot? Ryan No, the video; Herb, Herbert? It stopped part way through, he fell asleep. Meg Probably stoned. Ryan Occupational hazard? Meg Did you make notes on a film? Ryan Yeah, the old folks porn. Meg Yeah, that was probably John Ryan Is there anything else I need to know? Meg Just one thing really. You’re not promoting a band you like, or shovelling some work your mate’s way and it’s not a way of getting a date with someone in a band; like the hot bassist from The Guillemots. Ryan She is really hot Meg Yeah Ryan Anything else I should know? I’d like to be good at this Meg …yeah, don’t be a twat like the last person here and you’ll be fine. Ryan I won’t make any promises Meg I’m mid-way through a film at the moment, but I think John has just finished one and starting another; so you can shadow him for a bit. Ryan The porn guy? Meg Don’t judge him Ryan He was young and needed the money? Meg I don’t think either of those things have ever been true Ryan to john Were you Rona’s mentor? John No lad, that girl has been under a great number of people, but I’m glad to say I’m not one of them. I think While in ‘Roadhouse’ Ryan sees an elderly couple dancing to the covers band’s cover of ‘Sex on Fire’; has a flashback to the pub and porn induction and makes his excuse to leave and goes home. Goes home to see his mum and dad in the living room with the tv on loudly; practicing CPR; he asks why and they say his nan is up in his room with her new fella. He sees mum/dad wearing a Von Butch hat, and the bag on the sofa. End |
SOUNDTRACKS CHARACTER BIOS MEG Mid-late 30s, white, single, smoker, looks like an iconic indie female singer/guitarist (Carrie Brownstein, Kim Deal, Mary Timony, Cat Power). Meg has played on this when able to get something out of it, but generally gets annoyed by it. Meg is principle consultant for (big) movies soundtracks. She wears a cowboy hat given to her by her ‘uncle’ Meg is de-facto head of Soundtrack Company in (constant) absence of Herb. She is successful in her role and respected in the industry, and as a result she seems to be always working. JOHN In his 50’s, white. A John Peel type character, with immense music knowledge but not pretentious, or in your face about it. Divorced (twice), a smooth, softly spoken Scot. He drives a nice Jaguar, given to him by Slash Dot (who cannot drive and was given it as a present, gave it to John because he passes her house when he drives in and can get a lift when needed) John is principle consultant for Major Projects (TV) NATHAN Nathan is black, 30m married with a daughter; wife is Japanese (he is fluent). He has always been cutting edge but is slowly falling behind the curb and playing catch up with new and upcoming sounds and artists. He is from and lives in a Harlesden type area. Nathan is principle consultant for urban projects. However, he feels boxed in and quietly wishes to expand into other genres of film and music. DASH DOT DASH DOT 440 BPM (SLASH DOT) Dash Dot Dash Dot 440 BPM is young looking and cute but of now discernable ago, she is a bit of an urban fox – she is seldom seen or heard, she is shy and may have issues with being among lots of strangers. As a result, she usually only works at night. She is a hard-core raver. Influenced as much by rave as Japanese culture – anime etc. she changed her name by deed poll as she was massively popular on the internet/blog scene. She appears to be financially rich, and is in fact the major financer of the company; having seen the business proposal of Cameron, and set up a dummy company to finance it. She usually speaks to her PA in Japanese, of which she is fluent. She is the doyenne of the dance/rave/techno scene and is sought romantically and professionally by Pete Tong etc. she does not drink or do drugs. She is very cute, and pretty. She is principle consultant for Specialist and Extreme projects. RYAN Ryan is late 20s, white, Essex, single, lives with parents. The most obvious ‘lost soul’ of the group, has been in a few crap jobs etc. Born in Barking, heart in Shoreditch. Smart, opinionated. He constantly feels like he’s not so much a big fish in a small pond, just a fish in the wrong pond and as a result he is suffocating. HERB Herb is based on Tommy Chong. He looks a lot like John (only Ryan sees this) but has a ponytail. He is a hippy stoner. The president of the company – set up as a result of feeling guilty over his supposed part in the death of Cameron Maughan-MacIntyre. He never appears to be in the country, and likely to be ‘on location’ on various sets around the world in cannabis havens. He is a hippy stoner. His selection process for hiring staff (we see later) is to spin a spliff (like spin the bottle). Other reoccurring characters. PA’s Each consultant has a PA. They are mostly, but not always, office based. They principally conduct their communications and finances; as well as acting as a first hurdle. The better PA’s are able to offer more advice than others regarding project choices and sounds. John’s PA is Lisa; white, 20’s, blonde. His step daughter; who he met a year after getting divorced to her mum, unknown to him (or her) of the connection. Lisa was studying abroad and was unable to attend the hastily arranged wedding. They have a good rapport, bordering on flirtation. Slash Dot’s PA is Laura. Laura is mid-late 20’s, white, dark haired, extremely efficient, fluent in Japanese. Bit of a technical wizard. She is also covering as Meg’s PA in the early days. Meg has a bad relationship and record with PA’s. She has high expectations which are usually immediately not met. Ryan was high on the short-list to become Meg’s new PA, having applied for the job several weeks before, after seeing an advert that was already several weeks old – in that time she had gone through 3 PA’s. Nathan’s PA? undecided. JIM THE COURIER CYCLE DELI JESUS A Columbian lunch delivery guy, tanned, white, long dark hair tied back RONA Rona is a cunt. Australian, social and professional climber, using sex as a tool type. Little to no social skills. Early 30’s, bottle red head. Cameron Cameron is our Jerry Mcguire character. A typical industry whore who has a revelation about how to change the industry for the better. He is 30s, white, middle-class, a yuppie type. Carole Carole is Cameron’s inept secretary, moderately attractive; you get the impression she has gained weight since getting married. |